The world is your oyster

I have met a few people but not enough to say I can just call someone to hang out. This new chapter is a great start. I can paint again and I am trying to submit stuff for an upcoming show. My sister said she forwarded me some info about residencies here in Texas. I will have to mull that over.

I think I will start with hard bodies and intense images, even hard to look at. I need to draft my plan and go full throttle. Let's see what happens. I will keep you posted. I know it has been a while BUT I will try to keep it more consistent from now on. 

Houston

You are my new place to conquer and make my bitch. I am happy to start this new chapter in my life. Bring it ON!

Hoy

Well I started this New job the first week of the year. So far there has been ups and downs. I love what I do and have fantastic bosses. The weather is getting better and I am starting to feel a bit more alive.
I have this competition this summer to start of my summer. I am so excited and terrified all in one shot. My husband , family and I are all going to do it together.

Inspiration

I need some. I have this hunger to paint and create but have nothing at my fingertips.. I need to create....

People

Everyday people try offer you things that are not what your worth.
People with money think that you have to or must be so desperate to do a job because the economy is down that you will jump at the chance to get ripped off.
These people have yet to have a loss or be poor or even come close. They just assume because they have money that you are just less than. That their money is more important that your worth.
It is sad really. I have seen these same people loose their money and then lose themselves.

A year since my last post.

I am married life is good. A bit tired. Not sure what job I want. Not sure I am willing to do the full time thing again. I can't wait to start painting again.

Now I have to find my NON vanilla Peace.... Hopefully this will be the artist and personal year I have been looking for~!

Write before you forget to

Write for me tonight

Write about our love and feel it all over again

Write it and get it out

Write and think about the first time

Write about when you felt me

held me

touched me

and was enveloped by my being


It could happen? Can't it.

Write about my heart

Write about the way my body feels held by you

Write about the first time we kissed and hugged

and the first time you released your love inside of me

Write so that you will always remember when your life stopped and ours began. Write and get it all out so others know that you have experience pure bliss without drugs.

Now Reality set in.. Where are you mystery man? When are you coming back to me? When will you realize that you love me.. That you miss me.. I hope you do one day soon.... Little latino man.. Hurry up ....

huge change of destiny

This is the year of change. My path has been chosen. I follow a new line, towards a better and brighter light.
I walk freely into a joined destiny. I want it. This is the year of the women. Hear me roar.
I am my own alpha and omega. I have found what I seek.

It was lost for a while but now I know where and what I need to do in order to fulfill my true calling. My potential for greatness is upon me.
I have 12 weeks before I can experience the change that I so desperately needed.
Watch out! I am upon the masses and they will know who I am. LMAO.
Damn I feel good!

Another day. I was at the library looking for grants found nothing. Aah haa or didn't I. I took out a book on artist grants and how to write them.Now I have to buckle down and start writing them. LOLOL That and get tons of models this year to sketch.

the first day

This year is going to be a year of lustful things. I want to live it up. To travel have way more sex. I will do more for me this year. I can't wait for this weather to get warmer. Play more and harder. That is my Motto for the Year. PLAY LOTS AND HARDER!!!! MUCH HARDER!!!!

email

I can't get into my freaking email at google. this sucks ass.

today

There is a time to feel something. Something great , something good , something inherant. I feel nothing and everything. I wanted to hurt but I don't. I wanted to love but I can't. I wanted to remember all the family loves and great memories but it is all just a blur.

I can't cry yet i want to. I want to hurt but I don't. I want to feel intense anger but am at a loss. My emotions are not emotions at all. I am here and nothing. I am an abyss of nothing.

There comes a time where the world as it is and the world as it should be comes to a passing. I thought that this was it. I thought that I was supposed to yearn and cry and hurt but I don't. I wanted to feel all these things and I don't. I am just here.

Thinking about my life and life itself. About mortality. The difference that I might have made. To impact peoples lives. To remember who I am and want to be. Yet I just sit here. With no emotion, devoid of all emotion and love and hate and lust and whatever was ingrained in my heart at one given time. This death was supposed to be a defining moment. I am still here and feel nothing.

Just the lingering thoughts of my past.

good bye abuelo. good night. that is all I have.

Long and hard. The longer I date I think the more sadistic I become. NUTS.
Inspiration has seemed to elude me for some time. I need to find a new source to work from.. I have the summer to produce. I will see where it all takes me.

Well it has

It has been a while since I have logged on. I am not sure where to start. I have been through a lot this year.
Job, life, ex's , and next place to live.

re connect

DO I trust again or just let dogs lye.
DO I let go or burn a nigga?
DO I allow them back into my life or protect myself?
I should just let shit go and move on... If they were real then they would have looked for me...
Another day of this shit.. moving all around my.. to much for me to think about...

Leather Latex LLLLLLL

Leather Latex Lust
I feel as if I will bust, I have to get this out
that smell so sweet of the sweat and fear….
The precise second that I appear their faces cringe not knowing
My intentions are still unclear to them
Not knowing what I am capable of,

The anticipation of not knowing what will commence

I love that eagerness and doubt

Leather Latex Longing
I feel their wants awakening me
This connection with a lost soul
that is always half and not to be whole
They’re awaiting my command
fearfully doing what I demand
Not knowing what might await their flesh
Always feeling in the state of joy and duress.

Leather Latex Life

For the ones who serve there is no strife with what I am and what I do

The smells, the sounds, the wants, the fear

All have become clear them and I.

Our lives are intertwined to one another

Fearful, lustful, wanting with needs,

This is what they choose to be with or without me

I just help to give it meaning, provide the means because

Vanilla has never been their true life.

A new day

Man I woke up thirsty
Man I woke up hungry
Man I woke up lusting
Man I woke up abruptly
Man I woke up pensive
Man I woke up passionate
Man I woke up yearning
Man I woke up happy
Man I woke up horny
Man I think I just woke up...... Did you?

New Phases

I am in a new phase.. Every day I grow and learn. I want more and used to get less. Now I am getting back in the swing of things. Out and thirsty again for life and new experiences.....

the stream of thoughts

Love, lust, lies, love
Horny , fuck, cum, head
Fun, farts, fancy, farces
Facts, fictions, fun, fantacy
Hell, heaven, heavy, heaving
Licking, sucking, smacking, smells
Hungry, anger, playing, laying
Whatever is the truth to the facts to the lies to the realness of whatever.. blah blah blah and so on.

Fake or Strong?

From the break until the dawn,
are they fake or are they strong?
They say their men but have wronged the women to which they belong.

Why don’t they know they need to provide?
Search and feed all and not leave one behind
They say their men but have done no good,
however all the women think they should be able to try.

Before it is too late and the time has passed,
these so called men need to show that they can last.
They can be the inspiration for the future of their men.

Come forth and participate in the lives in which they’ve helped create.
They need to do what they have promised,
come back and prove the stereotype wrong.

Show them that brown men may do some wrong
BUT from the break until the dawn
Latinos are not fake but very strong.

They need to show the women to which they belong that they shall stick around
to see them through the good and the bad.
Through all the crap and sadness,
even if they haven’t been feed because they couldn’t make the bread.

As Latino men they need to show their future men
how to be the inspiration because those niños need their guidance.
Otherwise who will show them how to go from crazy boys?
To good Latino MEN.

Can I get past

I am starting this life and it is a good life, not much room to complain. I have two dogs and a house and a great partner and a great SON.
Why can't I get the inspiration that I need. I have it in small glimpses.. I have the hunger to be better at my craft.. BUT this comes in waves.. Of very highes and very lows... So Again I write with my terrible writing on this blog ... Mispelled and gramatically wrong...LOLOLOLOL Hey such is life... And here is another day.. I hope I didn't bore you all to much..

Ciao

All

All I have are memories of your touch
All I have are memories of your smell
All I have are memories of your smile

All I want is to feel the happiness that I once felt with you
All I want is to feel safe in your arms
All I want is to feel your breath on my neck again

All I need is to move forward
All I need is to live another day
All I need is to be a better person because if you

All I am is a girl with memories
All I am is a girl with wants to feel
All I am is a girl with needs more then what I have.

Fustrated

Man the day I had. Sometimes you wonder where the hell people got thier social skills. Did thier parents leave them with stray animals to be raised.
When you are working with the public you have to think before you speak.... Truely... Watch what comes out of your mouth.. Generally in public I am pretty calm and collected. However, I had gotten a flat while crossing a bridge today. That was the good part the rest of it was a freaking nightmare!!!!!!!To make a long story as short as I can, this STUPID BITCH could give me proper directions and obviously in upstate new york noone knows where the fuck they are at and/or where to go... LOLOLOLOL
Not a single soul, educated or otherwise could tell me where I was supposed to be going.... Running about the middle of shitsville for over 2 hours. At that point when I did get to the shop.. I was looking for that DUMB ASS. I was going to ring her neck and talk to her supervisor about what an ass she is.. If you don't something then say I am sorry i can't help you with that. I don't know.FOR GOD SAKES.. you wonder why you make minimum wage!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Long day

So it has been a long day. My son is sick and I feeling sick. It is the beginning of school and my schedule has changed a bit. I am glad that things are slowly coming to order.
Once way I lost and now I am finding my road.

To be angry or happy. To be sad or glad. To be me or what people want me to be. The choices I make effect everyone and everything.

I have to choose carefully because my life is not my own. Despite what I think. There is a little man that is 10 years old that it effects every day. I am his role model. Which is great and scary. He sees and hears and feels every choice that I make....

Another long day.

WOW

First I am bored out of my mind ... Now I am all over the place like a HOT SEXY MAN>>> !!!!!LOLOLOLOLOLO
Party time.. I am going to drink myself into a COMA this weekend.. Then my inspiration will come back.

Rambling thoughts

So the end of the summer is here. I haven't done much.. There has been a lot of activity in my life. Moving into a new house. Not apartment. Wondering if I should marry or just float on by.

I think that it would be a bad move to marry I mean.. I don't think that I am the marring type. When I was a kid that seemed great. But the reality or a man and me.. Answering to him.. All that jazz doesn't do it for me.. I like not owing someone. I like my freedom to choose. I like the option to opt out.. I like not having to really truely answer to a man... Moving my son into a new school. Getting fatter. HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My art is getting better but my friends are starting to show thier ass. I hope that this year is a better year then last. My mother got breast cancer. I can't stand that woman. BUT she is my mother and mine to deal with.

I can't help but want to smash her head into a guard rail. I mean shit the sound of her voice annoys me.
.. Or don't want to deal with her. She is always the victim. ALWAYS... I hate those people..Stand up for your shit.. Take resonsibility for your fuck ups.. DAMN!.....Family always says they want to help.. Try to guilt you into it but in the end don't really.

I thought that I would be in a different place then this. I have written and painted more then I have in years ... however I am more intro verted and sadder then I have been in years not to mention all the weight gain... I am pushing the ole heave hooo... You can stick a string on my and put me in the Macy's Day float.

Once a friend of mine mention how I am plump but not to worry you can't really tell in my body it is just my face that is fat.. Well that was the pushing point. That is enough for now.. I will try again tomorrow. FUCKIN SHIT...................... Conio...

Hello

Thoughts and more thoughtsssss. Just need to start to buckle down and get this work finished for submission.

LIFE is only worth.....

Life is only worth the breath you breathe.

Life is only worth the love you loved

Life is only worth the words you speak

Life is only worth the sex you have sweat to

Life is only worth the kisses you’ve kissed

Life is only worth the treasures you have created

Life is only worth it if you have lived it like art... And not an artist

I am what I let them create

I am what I let them create. The monster, the bitch, the beast.

I am what I let them create. The liar, the temptress, the whore.

I am what I let them create. The poet, the artist, the lover.

I am what I let them create. The person, the work of art, the tormentor.

I am what I let them create. The queen, the boss, the leader.

I am what I LET THEM CREATE……

There once

once was a boy that I fell in love

Love long and grand

Who stroked my hair

And skin was fair and always made me laugh

There once was a boy that I fell in lust

Lust meaningful and deep

Who kissed my lips

And grabbed my hips when we went to lay that day

There once was a boy that I fell in trust

Trust strong and true

Who stole my heart

And made it art and that never went away.

Thirst.....................................

There is this thing that I want.

This thing that I can’t control

This urge that overwhelms me

This thirst that I need quenched

There is this bursting within that I feel

It tingles all over my body

My core, my very soul that aches for it

This thirst is all consuming

There is this touch that lingers within my finger tips

This sensation that I can’t explain

This inclination for leather

This hunger to have flesh within my grasp

There is this itch of total control

This requisite to be on top

This lust for fraudulent things

This heat between my thighs

There is a person that I need to torture

This passion that comes over me

This drive that makes me hurt to hurt

This yearning to grip and pull

There is this slave that needs me

This human that craves my command

This being that needs me to take over

This craving that we both share.

And there I am to give it to them.

Tangled

Oh what a tangled web we weave and yet I continue to deceive. From the morning break until the dusk of dawn. Words spill out with half truths and half farces. The more I speak the worse I tangle my web. To be left alone is what I’ve bred.

They want the words and so I give. To whom I speak are all dead in my web along with me.

Confused but still want I weave this web, so I continue to deceive. Deception is has been my truth without an end. Better to deceive then let anyone know the real me. I have no recourse or love to give just the half truths and half farces.

The web breathes hate, and all of it towards me because I allowed all this to be. I know where I lye in my web of solitude. I choose to be alone for all time never to give in to my truths or my lies.

Amor

Amor, Amor, Amor, Amor

The Spanglish word bursts from my lips

I can feel that word in my fingertips

Amor, mi amor, I BREATH YOU. Amor, si amor, te nesicito. Amor, si amor, te amo.

Amor, Amor, Amor, Amor

I sing while walking down the street,

Swinging my hips to the latin beat in my head

Feeling like telling the world with my feet, Si Ya lo tengo AMOR

Amor, Amor, Amor, Amor

Te adoro, every moment of my day, Siempre

That word keeps ringing in my ears, like the cook vibration from the timbales,

Braa, bra, tacca, ta bring bra AMmmmooooorrrrrr

Amor, Amor, Amor, Amor

My heart beats faster every time you come near

You bring shivers down my spine

I want to feel your touch,

PLEASE PAPI, whisper in my ear

Amor, Amor, Amor, Amor

My salsa Amor, my steamy Amor,

The Amor from my hips, the Amor on lips,

And the Amor in my swing

Amor, Amor, Amor, Amor

You are the same Amor of all these things

Lo mismo amor que te adoro, lo mismo amor que amo… Cuando yo pienso a ti, yo me siento como……… Bailando, Cantando, y

Telling the world about this feeing called AMOR

Should I do it.. Should I be that person that smiles and has no soul? Should I tell people what they want to hear with no value. Do I need to give them what they want and forget who I am?
I am happy and so empty.. I have what I need but don't want.

Living the lie

So everyday I live this lie. The lie that is really not me. To be this fake cause pain within.. I am not sure how long I can do this. I wish I didn't have to.

Anger management

So what does one do when their partner has OCD and a bit of Low self esteem and some other shit. When you want to do things and that other person goes off the edge and pushes you to the limit. You know that they love you or at least think so .... Hum not really sure if it is another obession or love. Not you but them...

She had loved

She had loved, Loved with the passion of a thousand loves All of her hurt and pain went into this love A love that no one had ever known The ache and hurt from all the others went into the act of loving The abuse of all the others went into her passion The pain of rejection from family and friends went into the love making She could never feel the hurt again so she put it into the passion and heat they two had when they where together And when she was alone she would cry for the pain Pain for the fear that she might never love Cry for all the abuse that was put onto her body Some in part to find love Some in part to feel something instead of being loved She used her body as a vessel to get what she wanted And never showed love when doing it She gave herself to forget herself and all the pain and fear and anguish She gave and gave and showed no emotion in doing so She knew that no one would really know her Or really loved her They were all just lovers without the love and all of the passion She used what she knew And passion is what she knew best She had passion in the way she walked and talked and all the things that she did She never showed her true colors Until she found that love And poured it all into the love making that she gave and cried for a different reason She now cried for the loved that she had found and wanted She gave all of her and more then needed to give to one person That love that she had never had and wanted so desperately she gave to this person and that person never really understood her She thought that this would never end and never wanted it to But when the love in the love making faded it was just empty And from then on all of her became empty She did not know how to show true love and slowly lost her passion All of her passion for all of the things that made her loveable So now she was never to find that love again Now she was passionless and empty Empty was she would remain to be Hallow once again just a vessel for others to abuse and confuse for what they thought was love Love that she would and could never feel again

Fairytale

Did I have it? Is this a portal to a realm of bliss, where fairy dust and olive branches exist. Do I have it because it couldn’t be reality, the colors are to vibrant for reality of the human eye. The distance to it seems to extend a mile everyday. The road gets longer and the yellow bricks turn a bit more grey with each passing day. I can’t have just the memory of you. Please don’t fade away, because I can’t stand all this grey.

The loneliness is hallowing my soul, not even the echoes of human voices can fill the void. My existence cannot proceed on this once yellow brick path that leads to nowhere. Was it love or just a little girls’ fantasy that opened this portal which she created in her mind. Was it real or just a taste of what a young woman wanted from her then existing visions of her younger self. Was the most high hinting to a lost soul of love that it could exist, or was it him playing his turn at chess and happened to spurt out “check!” to see if I could loose my mate.

Is this love? What have I done to have such good fortune fall upon such undeserving shoulders, or is it all a witch’s curse to pull out all the fire and dragons for my prince to appear but instead accepting a rook in his place. I have become my own prison with the memories of my once vivid bliss, of love and kisses and soft tenderness. Now I have it taunting my every breath. This was the mad hatter’s scheme or plot to madden me, love does not exist, it is all just a fallacy.

So if LOVE could not have existed, it must have been lust! Lust was more of the action, or burning that had shared. You have opened a gateway which turned the flood of liquids only a prince could have unlocked. The dam was overflowing with each touch from you. So strong that is knocked down all the trees in the thousand-acre forest, along with Pooh and all the silly toys that I once knew, who faked being frogs that would turn into my prince.

Is this lust? Or is it the fairytale witches that are jealous enough to attack the fairies. So they can win the battle to stop the rain that helped the flood overflow for the prince. They can’t stand to see happiness in this portal of bliss. BUT I cannot bare to be dry again.

Love?... or is I just a wonderful dream that I once had with a handsome prince in a magical land. Well I misplaced my prince on my journey home.

Love or lust? This must be the visions that I had as a child, of this imaginary place that only could be in my head or in my heart, where I was the princess and you were the prince. You were that frog whom jumped onto my lap. Once you were kissed, then disappeared like a smooth cloud of mist. Not realizing you had gone questions if you were ever there. Was it really love or an elaborate illusion in its place to satisfy my childhood, or make believe prince, who fought the dragons and helped the fairies battle the witches to save our love. For he would rather die trying then to be without it..

Confusions Hallway

Confusions hallway of clutter

Laughter echoes from it’s walls

My voice gets muffled by the silence of discontented feelings of uncertainty

There is no happiness or sadness

Just the vibrant colors from the wall, in which I have blended my being to

So vibrant that everyone can see me but not know that I am here.

The clutter from the emotions that have been subdued into piles of locked boxes for none to retrieve. So they take up space in that hallway

The laughter from the thousands of fake smiles and chuckles that been expressed from these lips to keep the truth from being exposed.

No voice because, I never knew that I was supposed to have one, so in it’s place vibrant colors to show that I am here why not look.

Confused because I thought I was happy but not really sure if that is what you call this feeling inside. It is not enough to make me run down the streets cheering that I am in love, and not enough that I can ignore it. It just sits there, mangled up in uncertainty. Discontented because I know that I was once happy, I know that I had loved, I know that I am here and people can see me, I know that they can hear me.

I.I.I.I.I.I. Am at confusions hallway full of clutter.

Clutter in which I have created to keep out the feelings of uncertainty, not happy or sad.

I mask myself with vibrant colors because I am not sure of what I am or how I feel.

I create the echoes of laughter as not to tell my true feelings.

I am confusions hallway

I am the clutter

I am the laughter

I am the vibrant colors

I am the voice that is silent

Written by:

Ruth Fernandez

Ache

I want that ache kind of love. That can’t sleep can’t eat need to see you kind of love that can’t breath when you are going to touch me kind of love. I want that crying after sex it was soo damn good kind of love. I need that not to fat not to skinny just fit me perfect, kind of love I want that give you my last dollar kind of love. I need that I have to see your face when I wake kind of love. I want to love and lust every hour kind of love. I need that friend I trust you until I die kind of love. I want that we’ll live in a roach motel but have each other, kind of love. I need that no matter what happens you will be in my corner kind of love. I want that please papi, please you make me feel whole, kind of love I need that I want to be a better person because of you, kind of love. I need that if I am crying you rush to see me and make it better, kind of love. I want that I want babies don’t worry I will work two jobs, kind of love. I need that I couldn’t see my life without you kind of love. I want it because I was lucky enough to have it. And have lost it. I need that because that is who I am, kind of love. I want that because that is what I deserve kind of love. I need it because I want to give it back. I want THAT kind of love and if I can’t find THAT kind of love .......I don’t want to have a love. A semi-wanna be love that I have to settle for. I had it before, and it does exist. I know THAT I will find it again.

Boricua

The souls are lost in a lament world

The Cries of Yimaya through a purple haze

Drum beats to the rhythms of change

Coconut milk spilling from indigenous lips

Ocean smells upon dampened skin

Forgotten sugar cane with the cracked whip

Taino purity mistaken for ignorance and barbarianism

Wives and mothers turned into whores within the grip of pale skin

Hues of crimson and gold fading into a cold new steel machete

Tears of an almost forgotten past, rich with sun gods

Opening the regal doors to fake caballeros who lust over brown skin

Cilantro’s heavy fragrance lingering in a mist of misunderstood stones

Sounds of crackling fired which burned native blood.

A race faded in a new Castilian rule but never lost amongst the souls of the new,

Boricua always shall I be, with and without the ocean, or language of my people

Spoken upon my silent tongue

Always shining through the retina of my castaños eyes

Constant in my wavy hair and immersed sabor within my hips

Boricua across the seas and on foreign soil

Not Spanish, ni ingles

Simplemente Boricua……….

How does one promote

I have been wondering how to promote myself. I paint and needed some address.. I want to show my art but think that it should speak for itself and not kiss ass. You Judge