today

There is a time to feel something. Something great , something good , something inherant. I feel nothing and everything. I wanted to hurt but I don't. I wanted to love but I can't. I wanted to remember all the family loves and great memories but it is all just a blur.

I can't cry yet i want to. I want to hurt but I don't. I want to feel intense anger but am at a loss. My emotions are not emotions at all. I am here and nothing. I am an abyss of nothing.

There comes a time where the world as it is and the world as it should be comes to a passing. I thought that this was it. I thought that I was supposed to yearn and cry and hurt but I don't. I wanted to feel all these things and I don't. I am just here.

Thinking about my life and life itself. About mortality. The difference that I might have made. To impact peoples lives. To remember who I am and want to be. Yet I just sit here. With no emotion, devoid of all emotion and love and hate and lust and whatever was ingrained in my heart at one given time. This death was supposed to be a defining moment. I am still here and feel nothing.

Just the lingering thoughts of my past.

good bye abuelo. good night. that is all I have.